Memories and grief hit me hard and at times, out of nowhere. It’s April… 2 years ago, in April- We knew Gracie was dying… I have not been dwelling on this anniversary. I have even turned my thoughts away sort of to protect myself. My body takes a beating with grief.
However the reality of our loss cannot be hidden, it cannot be pushed away. When my defenses are down and my conscious mind is not fully functioning it hits me like a freight train.
Last night I was partially awakened by one of the kids around 3am. Shortly all was peaceful and quiet again and I started drifting back to sleep. The windows were open the night air was blowing in, it smelled wonderful like spring, like April.. And wham! The smell . . . That wonderful smell triggered memories that did not even register in my brain. Suddenly my chest was tight with grief, my stomach was swirling, the night was heavy and my brain was scrambling to catch up. Finally a coherent thought formed, “Gracie…” As I became aware of her name my brain finally translated what my body was screaming. And then the pain fully hit. It hurt so much I was squirming. I didn’t even cry, I just laid there and squirmed.
Always in my pain for Gracie there is this sweetness, this feeling that I am closer to her, a kind of a recognition. I suppose it’s all I’ve known with Gracie- this pain. As I gained control I focused on that sweetness. I know she’s at peace, I believe she still exists. I believe we’ll be together again. That is all I can do.
Relief came with more sleep.
This morning I am thankful, thankful for what I choose to view as my moments with Gracie. Because the reality is . . . It is all we have. For now...
Please pray for Rachael and Justin as the anniversary of Gracie's death and her birthday approaches...