Friday, August 7, 2009

Letting Go

Rod, Justin and Rachael came home late last evening. My mom went out there (to Odessa) to spend the night. Jimmie was completely exhausted and slept all night. This morning at 6am he took 54mls. Since he has not completely stopped eating, he is not truly starving nor dehydrating so he will not be hospitalized. Rach spoke to Dr. S. this morning. The plan is they are going to do 2 bottles a day with formula so they know for sure his minimum calorie intake will be. Rach will mix in breast milk in place of some of the water. And they will continue to look at his weight gain a week at a time.

He could have just had a really colicky day yesterday. He did have a lot of gas. We'll see . . .

There are 2 issues going on here - 1. Jimmie 2. Rachael . . .

Jimmie DOES have feeding issues. If everything is not perfect in his environment he struggles. If he can't breathe well it's horrible! Which is why the O2 has made such a difference. Thanks Whitney for your comment because we are starting to suspect oral aversions and sensory issues as well. Rachael has called his OT this morning. We have experimented some with different nipples. Maybe the OT will be more help in that matter. Jimmie is still in the acceptable (barely) amount of weight gain this week. This whole thing may end up progressing to observation at the hospital and an NG tube while a plan is created. It may not . . . But until Jimmie either completely stops eating or starts losing weight the risks of the hospital outweigh the benefits.

Rachael continues to really struggle mentally/psychologically. She is easily sent way down into depression, anger and anxiety. I asked, "So what do I put on the blog this morning Rach? That you are crazy?" She half laughed and said, "yes!" We are kind of laughing about it this morning, but last night there was no laughing just crying.

Yesterday was just a disaster. Justin had been wanting to go down to the lake house this weekend for the big car show. Friends and family are planning to join them for a fun vacation weekend. Rachael did not feel she and Jimmie should go, but she felt the pressure and went. It proved to be too much for her and possibly Jimmie. It took the better part of the day to get down there because they had to keep stopping to try to get Jimmie to eat. Once they got down there they stayed a horrible hour or so Jimmie frantically biting the nipple and screaming the whole time. And then got back in the truck (Rod hopped in with them) and drove back home.

Rachael (and Justin for that matter) was not in a good place mentally at all -just very angry, anxious and upset. So my mom and Rod spent the night with them to help. This morning Jimmie is very happy and charming. He's eaten a bit and is cooing, smiling and just being delightful. Rachael is feeling she may have overreacted. *sigh* Rachael's personality is very strong. She likes things to be under control. Kathy has admited to me that she is exactly the same way and she feels that Justin married his "mother". (-: What Rachael really needs to do is "let go". She feels because of her dedication and tenacity she has forced Jimmie to eat enough to stay out of the hospital. We want her to let go and let Jimmie be Jimmie. That way his problems can fully manifest. Rachael is afraid to let go and in her words, "watch him waste away." We all know that the medical professionals helping with Jimmie would never let that happen. It is just really hard for her to "let go". Let go of the control she "thinks" she has. I believe this is a big part of what is making her "crazy".

I guess truth is- that Jimmie does have feeding issues, but poor Rachael has some issues as well, and sometimes it really hard for us to sort out one from the other. Rachael is an amazing mother. She is super proactive with Jimmie. She does everything and I mean EVERYTHING for him that is humanly possible. Well actually I think she's trying to be more than human which is *not* possible. Pray for her to LET GO!

Justin and Rod will leave this evening and go back to the lake and try and have a fun weekend Rachael and Jimmie will stay home and my mom will stay with them! Brother David may end up praying with Rachael- for her!

This whole thing the last 2 months has been really hard for me to blog about. It's hard for me to see my sister suffering this way- much less write about it. It's hard for me sometimes to accurately convey the situation when I'm trying to sort through Rachael's reality and Jimmie's issues. I'll keep trying because we know you all will pray. And that's what we need!



  1. Justin and Rachael,

    Justin was an awfully colicky baby. What a rotten thing to pass on to your son! HAHAHA

    On a serious note, we'll continue to pray for you and your wisdom. You've probably already tried this, but have you tried feeding on demand instead of a schedule? And just letting him eat the amount he wants? Maybe he'd eat just 20 mLs one time, then want double that only an hour later. Or maybe he wouldn't eat at all. I don't know, but it might be worth a try, just to see what happens, if you haven't tried that already.

    No matter what you try or what happens, we're still praying for peace and comfort, wisdom and guidance, and joy. And for a complete healing for Jimmie.

    We love you all so much!
    Adrian and Janelle

  2. We are praying for peace and wisdom for all of you. It's easier said than done, but "cast all your care upon him; for he careth for you." May He give you the strength to let go. His "strength is perfect in weakness." It goes against everything we think and feel "naturally"...that's why it takes faith; and He is the author and finisher of our faith. It all goes back to Him. We love you so dearly and we are praying for you.

  3. i will be praying for rachael and jimmie too! and justin for that matter! i don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but just know that i am praying for all of you. i hope that Jimmie will be healed and as Am says, have a full tummy!!! love to all of you.

  4. Amber this has been hard on you too. You are doing a great job of keeping us informed. It is hard to talk aobut your sister for fear of shedding a bad light on her. She is indeed trying to do to much and control what she can't control, but she is a great and loving mother. She needs to pray the prayer of accepting God's will, and letting him direct Jimmie's life. It takes such a weight off of your shoulders when you get the gift of acceptance. I feel for her. I know she is in a terrible state right now and that probably filters down to Jimmie. You will all look back at this blog one day and these rough times will only be a memory because of the great detail you have printed.

    Rachael and Justin you need to draw toward each other and remember that your love and your happiness created this wonderful little boy!

    Thank you for sharing him with us!

    Kathy Barnes